Thursday, July 17, 2008

Big Night With George Michael

I wrote this post ages ago, but didn't manage to get it up here until I down loaded the pictures from my camera. I wanted to post it anyway because it was just so much fun.

BFF and true love, Suzanne, came as promised for the George Michael July 14th. It was hard to pick a favorite story to share but this one will go down in the long history of scandalous yet hilarious events which seem to inevitability occur when we're together.

So here's what happened. We both wanted to take our cameras to the concert. I called to make sure it was ok and ours were supposed to be just fine. I let Suzanne know and we planned on taking loads of pictures of each other and Morgan.

Here's where the fun starts. We arrive early and start looking for strangers to take pictures of the three of us. A big security guard comes out just after the first stranger has taken the first picture and says no cameras are allowed inside. I think for a minute about arguing with him since I had called to check, but decide that subterfuge is our best option.

BFF: Donna you said that I could have my camera and now they are going to take it from me.
Me: No, they are not taking your camera.
BFF: Yes they are, and I've got pictures of the boys from the awards banquet on there. They're going to take it from me, and I'll never get it back.
Me: Here take this. (I handed her a female hygiene pad)
BFF: I told you I don't need those anymore, and I really need you to focus on the problem we are having right now. We can talk more about menopause later.

Me: I am focused. Open the damn thing up right now.
BFF: Good God have you lost your mind? It's bad enough you've just handed me a Kotex in broad daylight in front of everyone in Houston, but now you want me to open it up. What the hell is wrong with you? They're going to take my camera away, and the man behind us just saw your Kotex.

Me: Just listen and do what I say. Open it up and wrap your camera inside. Try to make it look like it's been er... used.
BFF: Loud long squeal with no actual words but now Morgan knows what needs to be done and steps in to help.
Me: Look here BFF, you gave birth to two children for God's sake. Quit being such a sissy and wrap your camera up in this Kotex damn it.
BFF: I can't believe I'm doing this. What, you think Kotex can make things invisible?
Me: Yep.

We step in line to have our purses searched. BFF gets a male security guard and is out in a matter of seconds. I have a female guard made of sterner stuff. But even she wilts while digging through my substantial stash of girl stuff. (I travel prepared.) Unfortunately this is the only picture I get of my two girls.

After we make our way through the gate, BFF lets me have it.

BFF: I have never in my life, Donna, waved one of those things around in public. I am sure I've never opened one up in front of another person. How do these things happen when I'm with you? And what I really want to know is how you knew to do that? What else have you been smuggling?
Me: You have your camera don't you?
BFF: Yes, and I should have known you would find a way to let me keep it no matter what anyone else said.
Me: Well finally!

BFF: I still want to know how you got the idea to do something like that.
Me: I read about it in the newspaper.
BFF: What, huh?
Me: Well, there was a lengthy article about the numerous ways the bad guys might try to bypass security at various places. These things and diapers were high on the list.

BFF: God, librarians never forget anything do they?
Me: Nope. I love you....? (My sweetie can be won over by flattery.)
BFF: I love you two, but here's another thing I'd have never done in a million years if you hadn't put me up to it.
Me: We have the child with us, Suzanne. Do you want me to start reminiscing about all the things I'd have never done if it wasn't for your bad influence?

Morgan: Oh yes, please! Let's do that.
BFF: Morgan, I don't know what your mom is talking about. Don't believe a word she says.
Morgan: Snort, laugh, snort again then finally.......

I think it's pretty clear you two are a bad influence on each other. Thank God you brought a chaperon!

We had a wonderful time with Suzanne. It has been really hard to make time for each other while our kids were little, but we are hoping to get better at it now. I've been a bit disgusted by my total lack of wisdom in approaching 50, but if working out a way to spend more time with our friends is part of it, maybe I'm on to something after all.

Now playing: George Michael - An Easier Affair (Remastered 2006)
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Pickup Truck Porn

The kids and I were driving to the mall. I saw something hanging off the back of a truck. I decided I was hallucinating. Then about a week later, Bill comes home one day shouting.

Bill: WHAT THE HELL???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Yeah! (I agree, because there's aways something.)
Wait, what/huh? (Because I can't find the source of this something.)

Bill: Truck pornography! What the HELL????????????

Me: Where, how, why, what, when, who????????????? huh? (I get some very vivid mental pictures that I don't want in my head.)

Bill: You are never going to believe what I saw hanging off the back of a pickup.

Me: Plastic testicles. (See earlier experience above.)

Bill: (gurgles sputers, blinks, sputters again.)

Me: Crap, I didn't think that could be what they really were.

Bill: What do you mean really were?

Me: The truck testicles. I can't believe that's what they really were.

Bill: Well, no not literally for Christ's sake. They were plastic.

Me: I know they were plastic.... I just thought they might not really look like, uh ... testicles.

Bill: You know a testicle when you see one, er two. What did you think they were?

Me: Well unless something has changed very recently, testicles are not shinny silver and the size of a dinner plates.

Bill: Oh, mine were skin colored.

Me: Thank God they're not the size of dinner plates. Where would we buy your pants? (I'm laughing like a 3rd grader.)

Bill: Very funny. Ha, ha. I'm trying to talk to you about this serious issue of truck pornography in our community, and you're making jokes.........

(Long pause while he thinks......Even in moral outrage, the man is always the engineer.........)

Maybe the size is a proportionality thing. I mean, it's a truck. They'd have to be big, right?

Me: (Still laughing but also thinking we may be losing what's left of our minds.)
Nope. Now that I've thought about it, what I believe we are dealing with here are bull testicles. Though it sounds like neither, um pair, got the color right.

Bill: You need to focus on what's important here. We've got truck porn riding up and down the streets of Clear Lake, and you're talking about size and color.

Hey, the size thing gives me an idea though. If I ever get the chance to talk to any of the little perverts wearing, uh displaying... the porn, I'm going to tell them it's to compensate for there little *&%$@.

Me: You mess with some Bubba in a truck and tell him he is less than well endowed, he's going to shoot you. The gun's probably an even bigger attempt at compensation.

Bill: I think I can protect myself from some pervert riding around town with a pair of plastic b*lls hanging from the back of his truck.

There's a link here. Yes, I googled truck testicles. Don't look unless your very brave. It made me shriek like a little girl. The add says they are an "High-quality, novelty automotive accessory."

I can't wait to tell Bill.

Now playing: Antal Dorati: Detroit Symphony Orchestra - Copland: Rodeo - 4. Hoe-Down
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Booking Through Thrusday

It’s a holiday weekend here in the U.S., so let’s keep today’s question simple–What are you reading? Anything special? Any particularly juicy summer reading?

  • Tanya Huff has a vampire series. We found out about it because there were a few episodes based on the main characters called, Blood Ties. So far I've read all the Blood Ties books and have moved on to the "Smoke and Shadows" series. I won't give you too many details as it will give away major spoilers for the TV show and the books. In the Smoke and Shadows series the main characters from Blood Ties are still around, but another character from the books takes center stage. They still fight the forces of darkness and Henry is still hot. The spin-off series also deserves kudos for its engaging gay protagonist. Not always a well represented population in fiction.

  • Alison Weir, The Princes in the Tower. Speaking of the Tutors.... There's not much new here, but she does a decent job of trying to seperate the Tutor propaganda form historical fact.

  • Generation Ageless: How Baby Boomers Are Changing the Way We Live Today. When I think of all my very weird older relations and the shear number of us in this generation, I wonder how the world will survive our elder years. With the advances being made in medical science, we could live a very long time. If I were one of you young people, I would get going on colonizing the moon as soon as possible. Then, send us all there. It will be good for my arthritis and fulfill a lifelong dream. Trust me, you don't want several million of us wandering around causing the kind of chaos we did in the 60's and 70's. It may have been one small step for Neil Armstrong, but y'all need to sprint to making the moon one giant retirement village in the sky. Heck, Neil might be the first one to sign up to go.